Connection beyond convention
Dating is fun. Finding new people, texting all day, and fantasizing about a sunday brunch with “your person” is a cool concept. But it is not always so flowery, for us on the ace spectrum or what you call the asexual spectrum. We want intimacy, emotional closeness but when it comes to physical and sexual intimacy – we do not follow the standard script.
What really is Ace Spectrum?
The ace spectrum isn’t about being “prudes” – it reflects the many different ways people can experience (or not experience) sexual attraction. Asexuality, for example, means not experiencing sexual attraction, while identities such as graysexual or demisexual describe people who might feel sexual attraction rarely, only under certain circumstances, or after building a strong emotional bond. Beyond these, the spectrum also includes people with diverse relationships to intimacy: some may be curious about sex, others may enjoy it, and some may feel indifferent or even repulsed by it. The spectrum is wide, and each person’s experience is unique.
Do you know YOU?
First comes first, is self-awareness. Having to figure out what you want from a relationship is a battle in itself. And figuring out the enigma of what you are comfortable with – emotionally, physically & romantically, is another blog in itself.
Finding & accepting your desire (or lack thereof) can be challenging but liberating. Afterall, it is the first step towards dating authentically.
My sphere or yours?
One of the common challenges for people on the ace spectrum is navigating dating and relationships. Being ace doesn’t automatically dictate who we are attracted to or who we choose to date. Some of us may date allosexual partners, while others may not, and attraction isn’t guaranteed just because someone else is also on the spectrum. Like anyone else, our connections depend on personal compatibility, chemistry, and shared values. It’s like saying you will vibe with someone because you both hate pineapple on pizza but still it doesn’t guarantee that both of you would like thin crust.
So, why should we limit our capacity to love anyone & everyone, just because of our sexual orientation? Why should I limit myself within my sphere only?
Communication, Apologies & Rejection
A big part of dating while being on the spectrum is constant, consistent & clear communication. However, communication does not negate the fact that we will not be met with rejection. It’s even more hurtful, when it comes from the people who you have come to fancy. But we know that none of the people in the equation are to be blamed.
Having to explain your identity again and again can also be exhausting (but we are willing to try). But communication should not be confused with justification of our identity.
Regardless, the right person will always be around the corner, curious, understanding & compassionate.
Navigating the Dating World
Dating on ace-spectrum is basically challenging the mainstream idea that sex is the “glue of the relationship. Additionally, with the current dating scene where situationships, casual hookups and friends with benefits are more of a common trend, subtracting sex from the equation and finding a connection with no added pressure of sexual intimacy can be and has been tough for us.
That said, it is not like ace-friendly spaces do not exist. Communities on Reddit, Discord, and niche dating apps like ACEapp or OKCupid (which allows orientation filters) can be helpful. However, it all feels too restrictive at times as well. “Why am I considered different? Why is being on the ace-spectrum not part of the norm?”
Loving on my terms
As a person on the ace-spectrum, we are not avoiding love. Romantic attraction is different from sexual attraction. We love being loved & loving others. It is a beautiful feeling to have sparks erupt in your chest whenever you meet “your person” and have a foolish smile plastered on your face. Isn’t that cute & make being human more fun?
For ace people, love can look different which is dictated by mutual understanding & choice. For some it can look like long walks, sharing your favourite food, hand-holding, and sleeping cuddled up with your partner. For people on the ace spectrum, it might look like creative collaboration, shared silences, and building a life together outside the traditional norms.
At the end of the day, a relationship should affirm us in who we are, help us grow instead of pressuring us to be someone that we are not. The right connection won’t ask you to perform, but show up as you are.
After all, not all flowers crave the sun, some thrive in soft shade, growing gently in places others forget to look.